


An entry in the diary of Susan: Feelings of love and hate

by ArtsyGirl



Series: A Piece of Me [14]
Category: Enderal (Video Game)
Genre: Diary/Journal, Emotions, Love/Hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 10:13:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16490633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtsyGirl/pseuds/ArtsyGirl
Summary: "Everything in this life is a spectrum of love and hate..." - Susan





	An entry in the diary of Susan: Feelings of love and hate

**Author's Note:**

> This journal entry takes place just before the Mastrubation and breakfast.

An entry in the diary of Susan:  
  
Feelings of love and hate  
  
The more time I spend in Enderal the more I love and hate the place. The longer I am in this country the more I find out about myself.  
  
Before Enderal I thought I didn’t care about anything or anyone, for a while in Enderal I still thought that way, but not anymore. Now I know that I have been lying to myself.  
  
I may not like the Order, but I like some people in it like Calia. Everything in this life is a spectrum of love and hate and how different aspects fall on it. That is why the term love-hate relationship exists. I have a love hate relationship with everything in this land.  
  
The people show real emotion- love  
  
The people say what they think- love and hate. Hate because they yell racist comments at me in the streets.  
  
Nature of Enderal- love/hate – love because of the beauty, hate because all living creatures in the nature seem to be hell bent on trying to kill me.  
  
Religion- love/hate – hate because the religion is absurd, but the way people are devoted to the gods… oh my… This devotion is filled with passion and that passion it’s just beautiful.  
  
The legends and history - love/hate- love because it is fascinating and hate because the stories are utterly sad and in the end the stories are what get to me, no matter in what form.  
  
Through the stories of this land and the people in it I have found real emotion in myself. It does not matter that the emotion is sadness because the sadness is real and not hidden away behind a wall of numbness in me.  
  
There was this man who had a daughter who wrote songs and played the lute. At first I thought it was silly that the girl’s father was so distraught over some lute and locked away songs, but in hindsight I understand him, I feel sad for him.  
  
Once I found a book about different mysterious creatures of legend in this land and I accidentally got mixed up in ending their stories. There was a woman made of ash trapped in a castle, an ancient pained green beast in the deserts of Enderal and the one that got to me the most: the blind miner.  
  
The blind miner was a dead creature without a face, an energy trapped in a rotting body that was left to mine the eternity away in the undercity while attacking anything and anyone who came across its way. It was cruel to let such a pained person or a creature live. Who would do that? - Curse someone to mine the eternity away in some dark hole. That was unfair and fucked up. I sought action against the injustice. My first attempt failed terribly with me getting injured badly and running through long forgotten tunnels of the undercity. It took me a while to fully recover and give it another go, but this time with a totem to strip away the magic or effect of some curse protecting the creature from its demise.  
  
The battle was fierce and I still got hurt, but I vanquished the foe and gave laid him to rest by a proper fire burial. At that point in time I questioned myself and my not caring philosophy… did I really care about something? And from there on it began getting in tune with my emotions, re-learning the true self of the present day and healing from old and new wounds. At that moment I admitted to myself that I can have romantic feelings towards other people and that I HAVE those feelings towards someone. By the daedra I hope they feel the same because I have no idea if my heart can take another heartbreak in its fragile and unstable state.  
  
Another great thing is that I’ve found love for myself perhaps for the first time in my life. This is a huge step towards change and becoming a better version of me.  
  
I should hold the thought and take a moment to love myself more thoroughly…  


**Author's Note:**

> I haven't abandoned my Enderal baby and Enderalian sweetheart Suasn. 
> 
> This work is sort of important to show the characters development and the way she has changed.
> 
> It's been a long time since any kind of update because life and research and art... it takes a lot of time and devotion. Sometimes it is just choosing getting things done or getting barely enough sleep. This was even written at 1 o'clock in the night thus apologize me my mistakes and terrible sentence construction.
> 
> If any of you made it this far then I honestly thank you for reading and I truly hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> I've got another piece written all left to do is edit and post.


End file.
